Monday, 19 December 2016

Legal but not Logical, Logical but not Legal

Bedlam Humour

A young law student, having failed his law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.
Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"
Professor: "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"
Student: "OK. So I’d like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as it is. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A".
Professor: "Hmmmm, alright. So what’s the question?"
Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?”
The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.
The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can’t get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?”
To the professor's surprise and embarrassment, several students raise their hands.
"All right" says the professor and asks his favourite student to answer
"It's quite easy, sir" says the student "You see, you are 75 years old and married to a beautiful 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover who wants to marry her, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his exam, but you've just given him an "A", which is neither legal, nor logical."

Sunday, 18 December 2016

The Monkey that Ate Everything

Bedlam Humour

Jack Chambers sent this joke

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey. 
The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them. Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them. He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls. To everyone's amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole.
The bartender looked at the guy and said, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
He just ate the cue ball off my pool table...whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball."
The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the monkey ate and left.
Two weeks later the guy came back, and had his monkey with him.
He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar. The monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabbed it, stuck it up his arse, pulled it out, and then ate it. Then the monkey found a peanut, and again stuck it up his arse, pulled it out, and ate it. 
The bartender asked, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his arse, pulled them out, and ate them!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He will eat anything, but ever since he had to shit out that cue ball, he measures everything first."

Wednesday, 2 November 2016

Senior Passwords....

Bedlam

This joke was sent in by Malcolm and Gina Shenton, from North Wales


SENIOR TRYING TO SET PASSWORD


WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.
  
USER: cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters. 
USER: boiled cabbage 
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character. 
USER: 1 boiled cabbage 
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces. 
USER: 50damnboiledcabbages 
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character. 
USER: 50DAMNboiledcabbages 
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively. 
USER: 50damnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAss! 
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation. 
USER: ReallyPissedOff50DamnBoiledCab bagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow 
WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.

Tuesday, 1 November 2016

Mas y Mas Supermarkets in Spain are Filthy Bastards

Bedlam

Please note

If I am ill tomorrow or early next week, please note that today, I consumed an unhygienic apple.

It was purchased from those dirty bastards at Mas y Mas supermarket in Jalon (Xalo), Alicante, Spain, who insist on plastering filthy, arse-hole, sticky labels on some of their fruit, thus encasing any dirty-shit bacteria that is present, onto the surface.

Why do supermarket managers persist with such filthy, disgusting habits?

Get wise, Mr Manager at Mas y Mas Supermarket, Avinguda Rei Joan Carles I , 43
03727 Xal├│, Spain

Stop plastering fucking sticky-shit bacteria on your fucking fruit. Your habit is bloody disgusting. 

Keep fresh fruit clean



Tuesday, 18 October 2016

The Sex Hypnotist

Bedlam Humour

Here's a joke from John and Maureen Evans from Alcalali, Spain.

A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches I've been  having all these years? Well, they're gone.' 
'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened?' 
His wife replies, 'Margie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat, 
' I do not have a headache  I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache. Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone.' 
'Well, that is wonderful' proclaims the husband. 
His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years, why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?' 
Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.' 
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.  
His wife says, 'WOW! - that was wonderful!' 
The husband says, 'Don't move! I will be right back.' He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. 
The wife sits up and her head is spinning ' OH MY GOD ' She proclaims. 
Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.' With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom,
she sees him standing at the mirror and saying. 'She's not my wife, she's not my wife, she's not my wife, she's not my wife '
 
His funeral service will be held on Saturday.

Sunday, 16 October 2016

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2016 WHEN....

Bedlam Humour

This is yet another post from Joyce and Roy Critchlow from Newcastle under Lyme


YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2016 when...
1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave. 
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in year. 
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three. 
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you. 
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses. 
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your mobile phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries... 
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen 
8. Leaving the house without your mobile phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it 
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee 
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : ) 
12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing. 
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message. 
14. You are too busy to notice there was no 9 on this list. 
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a 9 on this list

Monday, 10 October 2016

Did You Know About This

Bedlam Humour

Here is another post from Joyce and Roy Critchlow, of Newcastle under Lyme

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.
If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died because of wounds received in battle.
If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes
------------
Q.. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter 'A'?
A. One thousand
------------
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers have in common?
A. All were invented by women.
------------
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
------------
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase...'Goodnight , sleep tight'
------------
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.
------------
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts....
So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down. It's where we get the phrase: 'mind your P's and Q's'

Sunday, 9 October 2016

Things you Really Should Know

Bedlam Humour

Another joke from Joyce and Roy Critchlow from Newcastle under lyme....

Things to know

In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb.
Hence we have 'the rule of thumb'
------------
Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented.
It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden'.. .and thus, the word GOLF entered into the English language.
------------
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma Flintstone
------------
Coca-Cola was originally green.
------------
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
------------
The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven:
£ 10,120.00
------------
The first novel ever written on a typewriter, Tom Sawyer.
------------
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar

The Greek and the Scotsman

Bedlam Humour

This was sent in by Joyce and Roy Critchlow of Newcastle under Lyme

A Greek and a Scotsman were sittng in a Starbucks cafe discussing who had the superior culture
Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well we Greeks built the Parthenon" and arched his eyebrows.
The Scotsman replies, "Well ... it was the Scots that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices."
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."
The Scotsman, nodding in agreement says, "Scots were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars."
And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!"
The Scotsman replies, "Aye, that is true, but it was we Scots who introduced it to the women!"

Tuesday, 26 July 2016

Mas Y Mas Supermarkets are Dirty Bastards

Bedlam

Why - why oh why are Mas y Mas supermarkets such filthy, dirty, bastards.

We just picked up some apples from Mas y mas in Xalo and the dirty bastrds had sticky labels plastered on every single one.

Why? 

We always wash apples before eating because we have no idea who handled them before us, and we want to be sure they are clean.

But sticky labels?   What for?  What purpose do they serve when you have already purchased the damn things

For some reason, the dirty bastards feel the need to glue whatever bacteria are around, to apple skins, to make sure we really become ill.

Well, fuck you Mas y Mas.

Keep your sticky bacteria to yourselves, we are capable of becoming ill without your help. Keep your fucking sticky labels to yourselves.

Mister Mas y Mas supermarket manager, keep ALL fruit, free of your fucking sticky labels. Stick your labels up your bacteria-ridden arse....

Tuesday, 7 June 2016

Mercadona, Benissa, shit for Fruit and Veg

Bedlam

Why is it that Mercadona in Benissa, Alicante, has fruit and veg that is ALWAYS out of date? Is it all Mercadona stores that have fruit and veg that are out of date or do they dump their shit at Benissa. Do they think that because we live in a backwater of Spain that we are too stupid to realise?

It pisses me off that I can't get fresh fruit or veg from Mercadona that is actually fresh. Everything I pick up in the Benissa store is already past its sell-by date. Come on Mr. Supermarket Manager. Get your friggin' act together. Sell stuff that is actually FRESH, or you will lose all your customers.

To be honest, we've already stopped purchasing from the Benissa store. We've voted with our feet and are purchasing fresh stuff from other places.... i.e, MasyMas supermarket in Xalo where the stuff is actually within date, or the local market stalls, or Lidl. In fact we pick fruit and veg up from ANYWHERE in preference to Mercadona. They really are the pits.

Mercadonna fresh stuff is shit.

It's a shame, because other things in Mercadona are cheaper and better than a lot of places, but fresh stuff? They're having a laugh. It's almost gone off before you get it home.

Wednesday, 25 May 2016

The Heart Attack and the Nun


Bedlam Humour


This joke was kindly sent in by Joyce and Roy Critchlow, of Newcastle-under-Lyme.


You don't have to be a Roman Catholic to appreciate this

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a shopping centre. The security guards called 112 when they saw him collapse to the floor.
The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital.
A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment. "Do you have health insurance?"  
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance." 
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?" 
He replied, "No money in the bank." 
"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the now irritated nun. 
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun." 
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God. 
The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

Monday, 2 May 2016

The Young Bride

Bedlam Humour

This joke was sent in by Joyce and Roy Critchlow. Hope you like it

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "What's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird.

"I had tolio as a child," he answered.

"You mean polio?" she asked.

" No, tolio . The disease only affected my toes."

When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again asked, " What's wrong with your knees ? They're all lumpy and deformed!"

"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.

"You mean measles?" she asked.

"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees ."

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear. "Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess...

. . . . .er . . .SMALLCOX ? ? ?