Wednesday, 28 November 2012

The Tax Man

Bedlam Humour

Elsie Smith from Leek in Staffordshire sent in this joke

The Tax Man

At the end of the tax year, the Inland Revenue office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.

While the agent was checking the books he turned to the Accountant of the Hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the Accountant. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Hospital Accountant, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Accountant.

"Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Accountant. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the Inland
Revenue Office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick!"

Saturday, 24 November 2012

Two Friends in Heaven

Bedlam Humour

Jack Chambers has sent this joke:

Two Friends Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi! Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad.... After I quit shaking from the cold I began to get warm & sleepy and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.


Wednesday, 21 November 2012

Pissing off a Frog

Bedlam Humour

Pissing off a Frog

I just love how this frog reacts. Watch it to the end for the final laugh

Monday, 19 November 2012

Poem for all Women

Bedlam Humour

My daughter posted this Poem for all Women on Facebook. I couldn't resist pinching it

End of Poem for all Women

Sunday, 18 November 2012

Men are like Laxatives.

Bedlam Humour

Men are like Laxatives.
They irritate the crap out of you.

Wednesday, 14 November 2012

Men are like Mascara

Bedlam Humour

Men are like ...Mascara .
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like Popcorn


Men are like Popcorn.
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Three Little Ducks


Here's a joke from Ed Goldstraw, of Leek in Staffordshire.

Three little ducks go into a Bar.......

'Say, what's your name?' the bartender asked the first duck.
'Huey,' was the reply.

'How's your day been, Huey?'
'Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?' said Huey.

'Oh. That's nice,' said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, 'Hi, and what's your name?'
'Dewey,' came the answer from duck number two.

'So how's your day been, Dewey! ?' he asked.
'Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?'

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, 'So, you
must be Louie?'

'No,' she said, batting her eyelashes.

'My name is Puddles.'

Friday, 9 November 2012

The Problem With Winking

Bedlam Humour

A man with a winking problem applies for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and ...we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you."

"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

The applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over, the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?