Monday, 31 December 2012

Cats...

Bedlam Humour

Saw this on Rhonda Savin's Facebook. I just couldn't resist it. (Click to make it larger)

Cats!

Saturday, 29 December 2012

Trust....

Bedlam Humour


There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband... for example...

A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.
She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say 'hello....'

The Pirate

Bedlam Humour

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible." 
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before." 
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now." 

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."
 
"What about that eye patch?"
 
"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye."
 
"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit."
 
"It was my first day with the hook."

Wednesday, 19 December 2012

Dad's Quick Response

Bedlam Humour

Rhonda Savin posted this about a Dad's Quick Response, on Facebook. I couldn't resist...


Photobucket

Friday, 14 December 2012

Joke - UK Tax Guidance

Bedlam

Ed Goldstraw sent another joke:
UK TAX GUIDANCE
Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.

This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:

Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?
A. It is money that the government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money ?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?
A. Only a smidgen of it.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up!

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the UK economy by spending your stimulus cheque wisely:

* If you spend the stimulus money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to China, Taiwan or Sri Lanka.

* If you spend it on petrol, your money will go to the Arabs.

* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or China.

* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras or Guatemala.

* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea.

* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.

* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy shares, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in the UK by:

1) Spending it at car boot sales, or

2) Going to night clubs, or

3) Spending it on prostitutes, or
4) Buying beer or whisky, or

5) Get yourself a tattoo, or
6) Visit a bookie.

These are the only UK businesses still operating in the UK!

Conclusion:

Be patriotic… go to a night club with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer day and night!

No need to thank me… I'm just glad I could be of help!

Tuesday, 11 December 2012

Monday, 10 December 2012

Christmas Joke

Bedlam Humour

Ed Goldstraw sent this Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. 'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season Begins......

No See Your Cat

Bedlam Humour

My Facebook friend and novelist, Alison Kervin posted this on her timeline. I thought it hilarious.

To see Alison's books on Kindle, check out Alison Kervin


Tuesday, 4 December 2012

Dilbert Quote Contest

Bedlam Humour

Ed Goldstraw from Leek, Staffordshire, sent this joke

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest..
They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers.
These were voted the top ten quotes in corporate America :

"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." - (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. in Redmond WA )
"What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter." - (Lykes Lines Shipping)
"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." - (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
"This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." - (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule ." - (Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)
"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." - (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." - (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year.  He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." - (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." - (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

Monday, 3 December 2012

Parking the Car

Bedlam Humour

Another joke from Jack Chambers

He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forwards, then backwards, forward, then backwards again....back and forth...back and forth...in and out...in and out.

Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned,
softly at first, then began to groan louder. Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,.
.
.
.
.

"OK, OK! I CAN'T park the f*****g car! You do it, you SMUG b*****d!"

Sunday, 2 December 2012

The Nun and the Soldier

Bedlam Humour

Here's another joke from Jack Chambers

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.'
The nun agreed.
A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?'
 The nun replied, 'He went that way.'

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Afghanistan ....'
The nun said, 'I understand completely.'

The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'
The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Afghanistan either.'

Drink, Drive Warning

Bedlam Humour

Jack Chambers has sent in this joke

Drinking & Driving Warning
I would like to share an experience with you, about drinking and driving.
As you well know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at the Marriott Hotel and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home.
Sure enough we passed a police road block but I was on a bus, and they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.

Wednesday, 28 November 2012

The Tax Man

Bedlam Humour

Elsie Smith from Leek in Staffordshire sent in this joke


The Tax Man

At the end of the tax year, the Inland Revenue office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.

While the agent was checking the books he turned to the Accountant of the Hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the Accountant. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Hospital Accountant, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Accountant.

"Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Accountant. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the Inland
Revenue Office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick!"

Saturday, 24 November 2012

Two Friends in Heaven



Bedlam Humour

Jack Chambers has sent this joke:

Two Friends Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi! Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad.... After I quit shaking from the cold I began to get warm & sleepy and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

PRICELESS!

Wednesday, 21 November 2012

Pissing off a Frog

Bedlam Humour

Pissing off a Frog

I just love how this frog reacts. Watch it to the end for the final laugh


Monday, 19 November 2012

Poem for all Women

Bedlam Humour

My daughter posted this Poem for all Women on Facebook. I couldn't resist pinching it



End of Poem for all Women

Sunday, 18 November 2012

Men are like Laxatives.

Bedlam Humour

Men are like Laxatives.
They irritate the crap out of you.

Wednesday, 14 November 2012

Men are like Mascara

Bedlam Humour

Men are like ...Mascara .
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like Popcorn

Bedlam

Men are like Popcorn.
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Three Little Ducks

Bedlam

Here's a joke from Ed Goldstraw, of Leek in Staffordshire.

Three little ducks go into a Bar.......

'Say, what's your name?' the bartender asked the first duck.
'Huey,' was the reply.

'How's your day been, Huey?'
'Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?' said Huey.

'Oh. That's nice,' said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, 'Hi, and what's your name?'
'Dewey,' came the answer from duck number two.

'So how's your day been, Dewey! ?' he asked.
'Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?'

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, 'So, you
must be Louie?'

'No,' she said, batting her eyelashes.

'My name is Puddles.'

Friday, 9 November 2012

The Problem With Winking

Bedlam Humour

A man with a winking problem applies for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and ...we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you."
 

"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I stop winking!"
 

"Really? Great! Show me!"
 

The applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.
 

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over, the country!"
 

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"
 

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"
 

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?

Tuesday, 23 October 2012

Heaven and Hell

Bedlam Humour

Here's a joke from my friends in Wales, Malcolm and Gina Shenton

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years.

He wondered where the road was leading them. After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.

When he was standing before it, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.

When he was close enough, he called out, 'Excuse me, where are we?'

'This is Heaven, sir,' the man answered.

'Wow! Would you happen to have some water?' the man asked.

'Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up.' The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

'Can my friend,' gesturing toward his dog, 'come in, too?' the traveller asked.

'I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets.'

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.


After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

'Excuse me!' he called to the man. 'Do you have any water?'

'Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in.'

'How about my friend here?' the traveller gestured to the dog.

'There should be a bowl by the pump,' said the man.

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveller filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.

When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.

'What do you call this place?' the traveller asked.

'This is Heaven,' he answered.

'Well, that's confusing,' the traveller said. 'The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.'

'Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell.'

'Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?'

'No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind.'

Friday, 19 October 2012

Wednesday, 17 October 2012

An Unfortunate Mistake

Bedlam Humour

Deeply unfortunate positioning in a German newsagent.

Source: twitter.com via AJ on Pinterest

Friday, 12 October 2012

Thursday, 11 October 2012

Eagle snatching a crocodile

Bedlam

Couldn't believe this incredible shot of an eagle snatching a young crocodile



Pinned Image

Image Source

Alzheimer; Viagra, and Breasts

Bedlam Humour


Apparently more money is spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer research...

This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky 
boobs and huge erections but absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Friday, 5 October 2012

Wednesday, 3 October 2012

Transferring Labour Pain


Bedlam Humour


This joke is off Karen Barnett from Leek in Staffordshire.

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were interested; both said they were very much in favour of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50 percent.

The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic......

When they got home they found the postman dead on the porch.

Friday, 14 September 2012

Playground Pranks

Bedlam 



Here's a joke from John Evans:

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!"

Before the mother could raise her concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut."

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked, "Really small, was it?"

Sally replied, "No... Salty."

Mum fainted.

Monday, 10 September 2012

Price Decides Everything


Bedlam


 
Once again, Ed Goldstraw has sent a joke:

Price Decides Everything

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
There were groans

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"

Its a Dog Day

Bedlam 

Ed Goldstraw sent this great video - very funny:











Saturday, 8 September 2012

Recycling Investments

 Bedlam Humour

Thanks to Ed Goldstraw for sending joke:

  • If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have £49.00 today
  • If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in AIG insurance company one year ago, you would have £33.00 today.
  • If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers five years ago, you would have nothing today.
  • If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Northern Rock three years ago, you would have nothing today.

However, if you had purchased £1,000 worth of beer one year ago at Tesco's, drunk all the beer, then taken the aluminium cans to the scrap metal dealer, you would have received £214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle.

A Blonde goes to Heaven

Bedlam Humour

Ed Goldstraw sent this joke:

An Aussie Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.'I'm sorry, 'St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of godly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'
'That's cool' said the Blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'
'Just three questions' said St Peter.
'Which are?' asked the Blonde.
'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'? The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year'?The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'
So the Blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought.The following morning, St Peter called upon the Blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'
'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'
The Blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'
St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.
'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'
The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'
'Only twelve' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'
'Easy,' said the Blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'
St Peter looked at the Blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'
'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'
'It's Andy.'
'Andy??'
'Yes, Andy,' said the Blonde.
This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'
'Easy' said the Blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his billy boiled.'
And the Blonde entered Heaven...?
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
For your next Kindle book, why not try a short story collection

Thursday, 23 August 2012

PUNOGRAPHY

Bedlam

This was sent in by Ed Goldstraw - yet another pearl of humour from his endless source

PUNOGRAPHY
  1. I changed my i Pod name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
  2. I tried to catch some Fog. I mist.
  3. When chemists die, they barium.
  4. Jokes about German sausage are the vurst.
  5. A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
  6. I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
  7. · How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
  8. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Than it dawned on me.
  9. This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
  10. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity . I can't put it down.
  11. I did a theatrical performance about puns . It was a play on words.
  12. They told me I had type A. blood , but it was a Type- 0.
  13. dyslexic man walks into a bra
  14. PMS jokes aren't funny, period
  15. Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
  16. Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory . I hope there's no pop quiz.
  17. Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.
  18. I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
  19. How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
  20. Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
  21. When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
  22. What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
  23. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
  24. Broken pencils are pointless.
  25. What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A Thesaurus.
  26. England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool
  27. I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
  28. I dropped out of communism class because of lousy marx.
  29. All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.
  30. I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
  31. Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
  32. Velcro, what a rip off!
  33. Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
  34. Venison for dinner? Oh deer!
  35. Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.
  36. I used to think I was indecisive but now I'm not so sure.
  37. Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

Monday, 20 August 2012

Olympic Bloopers

Bedlam

This was sent in by Ed Goldstraw, from Leek, Staffordshire:
Here are the top 9 comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Summer Olympics that they'd like to take back
:
1. Weightlifting commentator:
"This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Dressage commentator:
"This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast:
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

4. Boxing Analyst:
"Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

5. Softball announcer:
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

6. Basketball analyst:
"He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

7. At the rowing medal ceremony:
"Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

8. Soccer commentator:
"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

9. Tennis commentator:
"One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them . . . Oh my God, what have I just said?"

Saturday, 18 August 2012

The Last

Bedlam Humour


Ed Goldstraw has sent another joke:
The Thames river police stop two Pakistanis' in a row boat, rowing towards central London. "The captain gets on the loudhailer and shouts "Ahoy, small craft, where are you heading?"

One of the Pakistani gentlemen stands up and shouts, "We are invading the United Kingdom."

The crew of the Police launch all start laughing and when the captain finally stops laughing, he gets back on the loudhailer and says, "Just the two of you? I think you'll need more than that."

The Pakistani gentleman stands up again and shouts, "We're just the last two. The rest are already here!"

Friday, 17 August 2012

Bedlam Humour: A Brick Wall

Bedlam Humour

Ed Goldstraw has sent in this joke:
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. To check it out, she went to the Wall, and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray, and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me Sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.


"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall to pray?"


“For about 60 years."


"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"


"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."


"And how do you feel Sir, after doing this for 60 years?" 


"It's like talking to a fucking brick wall."


For your next Kindle book why not try a Short Story Collection


Next post - Bedlam Humour: A Slippery Slope

Tuesday, 7 August 2012

Seat on a slippery slope

Bedlam Humour


Ed Goldstraw from Leek in Staffordshire has sent this article from the local paper, the 'Post & Times.'


Seat on a slippery slope...
IS THIS a new seat of leaning?

Retired engineer Mick Barr couldn't believe his eyes when he saw how this new bench had been installed in Brough Park, Leek. It sits at a sharp angle, matching the steep slope leading from the park up to St Edward's Church.

Mick, aged 74, who lives in Leek, told the Post & Times, "When I first saw it, I thought the council would come back and reset it level, but it's been left at an impossible angle.

"Surely it would have been simple to dig out a level base in the first place. Anyone who is infirm could have trouble sitting there. It's one of the steepest banks in the park."

A spokesman for Staffordshire Moorlands District Council, which is responsible for the park, told the Post & Times that the seat would be reinstalled on a level base as soon as possible.

He said, 'We have replaced a number of worn seats and provided four extra ones at the request of the Friends of Brough Park.

"For reasons which are not yet clear, our contractors placed this one at an angle.

"We have asked them to level the base this week."

Monday, 30 July 2012

The Wisdom of Seniors

 Bedlam humour

Ed Goldstraw has sent another joke: 

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do... and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I'm older (but refuse to grow up) here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran.

3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

6. If all is not lost, where is it?

7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

8. Some days, you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It's hard to make a comeback when you really haven't been anywhere.

13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play chess?

16. It 's not hard to meet expenses . . .they're everywhere.

17.The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18.These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .
I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm hereafter
19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

20. I'M UNABLE TO REMEMBER WHETHER I'VE SENT YOU THIS BEFORE.........
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Thursday, 19 July 2012

Smart-Ass Reply

Bedlam Humour

Ed Goldstraw sent another joke
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane: "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row. 
"What are my choices?" the man asked.

"Yes or no," .

Wednesday, 18 July 2012

A Poem for Women Everywhere


Bedlam Humour 
 Ed Goldstraw has sent in this poem.

A Poem for Women Everywhere



He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake,
He said my biscuits were too hard
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked him
Like his mother used to do!


End of ~ A Poem for Women Everywhere

Friday, 13 July 2012

The Retired Husband

Bedlam Humour

Ed Goldstraw has sent another joke:
THE RETIRED HUSBAND

After Robert Harris retired, his wife insisted that he accompany her on her trips to Asda. Unfortunately, like most men, he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, his wife like most women - she loved to browse.

Yesterday his dear wife received the following letter from the local Asda:

Dear Mrs. Harris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris , are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of Maltesers.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' Emergency Medics were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the Staff passed out.
Mrs Harris now goes shopping by herself





Saturday, 7 July 2012

Scull Strings

Bedlam

I just love this violin. If you're gonna play strings, you might as well play something interesting


Friday, 6 July 2012

Generic Names

Bedlam Humour

This joke has been sent in by Elsie Smith from Leek in Staffordshire:

DRUGS

Drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.

Example, the trade name is Tylenol and it's generic name is Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
 

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin. 


Pfizer Corp. Announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. 

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day:
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Monday, 2 July 2012

To Kill an American

Bedlam

This was sent in by Ed Goldstraw:


You probably missed this in the rush of news, but there was actually a report that someone in Pakistan had published in a newspaper, an offer of a reward to anyone who killed an American, any American.

So an Australian dentist wrote an editorial the following day to let everyone know what an American is. So they would know when they found one. (Good one, mate!!!!)

To Kill an American

'An American is English, or French, or Italian, Irish, German, Spanish, Polish, Russian or Greek. An American may also be Canadian, Mexican, African, Indian, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, Australian, Iranian, Asian, Arab, Pakistani or Afghan.

An American may also be a Comanche, Cherokee, Osage, Blackfoot, Navaho, Apache, Seminole or one of the many other tribes known as native Americans..

An American is Christian, or he could be Jewish, or Buddhist, or Muslim. In fact, there are more Muslims in America than in Afghanistan . The only difference is that in America they are free to worship as each of them chooses.

An American is also free to believe in no religion. For that, he will answer only to God, not to the government, or to armed thugs claiming to speak for the government and for God.

An American lives in the most prosperous
land in the history of the world. The root of that prosperity can be found in the Declaration of Independence , which recognizes the God given right of each person to the pursuit of happiness.

An American is generous. Americans have helped out just about every other nation in the world in their time of need, never asking a thing in return.

When Afghanistan was over-run by the Soviet army 20 years ago, Americans came with arms and supplies to enable the people to win back their country!
 
As of the morning of September 11, Americans had given more than any other nation to the poor in Afghanistan .

The national symbol of America , The Statue of Liberty , welcomes your tired and your poor, the wretched refuse of your teeming shores, the homeless, tempest tossed. These in fact are the people who built America

Some of them were working in the Twin Towers the morning of September 11, 2001, earning a better life for their families. It's been told that the World Trade Center victims were from at least 30 different countries, cultures, and first languages, including those that aided and abetted the terrorists.

So you can try to kill an American if you must. Hitler did. So did General Tojo, and Stalin, and Mao Tse-Tung, and other blood-thirsty tyrants in the world, but, in doing so, you would just be killing yourself. Because Americans are not a particular people from a particular place. They are the embodiment of the human spirit of freedom. Everyone who holds to that spirit, everywhere, is an American.



Please keep this going!
Pass this around the World.
Then pass it around again. It says it all, for all of us.

Friday, 29 June 2012

Insured for Sex

Bedlam

John Evans has sent another joke:

Are you insured for sex? Make sure you get the Correct Insurance for the sex you are having. Please find a list of companies below catering for most tastes:
Sex with your wife - Legal & General.

Sex on the telephone - Direct Line.

Sex with your Partner - Standard Life.

Sex with someone Different - Go Compare.

Sex with a Fat bird - More Than.

Sex On the back seat of a car - Sheila's Wheels.

Sex with a posh bird - Privilege.

Sex with an OAP - Saga

Sex with a transvestite - Confused.com

Wednesday, 27 June 2012

When a Woman Lies

Bedlam Humour

This was sent in by Ed Goldstraw:

When a woman lies

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river..

When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?" The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

Thursday, 21 June 2012

The Homicide Defendant

Bedlam

Here's another joke from Jack Chambers

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant,"You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"

The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bastard!"

The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these heinous crimes but no more short moments of outbursts from you or I'll charge you with contempt and have you removed from the courtroom. Is that understood?"

The chap in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm very sorry, your Honour, but for fifteen years I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

Tuesday, 29 May 2012

Sainsbury's Greeter

Bedlam Humour

Here's another great joke from Ed Goldstraw
My one day of employment  ......
After landing a new job as a Sainsbury's greeter, (a good find for many retirees) I lasted less than a day...... 

About two hours into my first day on the job, a very loud, and unattractive woman marched into the store dragging her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. 

As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to Sainsbury's. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?" 

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Of course they ain't f*****g twins. The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7.  Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

So I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam. I just couldn't believe someone actually shagged you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Sainsbury's!"

Friday, 25 May 2012

First-year students

Bedlam Humour

Here's a joke from Ed Goldstraw


First-year students at the Vet School were attending their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the cow’s body covered with a white sheet.  

The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body."

For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the  butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, but it's even tougher if you're stupid."