Tuesday, 29 November 2011

Dealing with Junk Mail and Telemarketer

Bedlam View

Tips for Handling Telemarketers

Three Little Words That Work!!
  • The three little words are: 'Hold On, Please...'  Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off (instead of hanging-up immediately) would make each telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt.
  • Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end?  This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and records the time of day when a person answers the phone.  This technique is used to determine the best time of day for a 'real' sales person to call back and get someone at home.
  • What you can do after answering, if you notice there is no one there, is to immediately start hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7 times as quickly as possible. This confuses the machine that dialled the call, and it kicks your number out of their system. Gosh, what a shame not to have your name in their system any longer!!!

Tips for Dealing With Junk Mail:

When you get ads enclosed with your phone or utility bill, return these ads with your payment. Let the sending companies throw their own junk mail away.

  • When you get those 'pre-approved' letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw away the return envelope.
  • Most of these come with postage-paid return envelopes, right? It costs them more than the regular postage, 'IF' and when they receive them back.
  • It costs them nothing if you throw them away! The postage was around 40 pence before the last increase and it is according to the weight. In that case, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little, postage-paid return envelopes.

One of Andy Rooney 's (60 minutes) ideas.
  • Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express in their pre-paid envelope. Send a pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them their blank application back!
  • If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on anything you send them.
  • You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just to keep them guessing! It still costs them 60 cents.

Banks and credit card companies are currently getting a lot of their own junk back in the mail, but folks, we need to OVERWHELM them. Let's let them know what it's like to get lots of junk mail, and best of all they're paying for it...Twice!

Let's help keep our postal service busy since they are saying that e-mail is cutting into their business profits, and that's why they need to increase postage costs again. You get the idea!

Monday, 28 November 2011

Questions you just can't answer

Bedlam Humor

Ed Goldstraw has sent another email:

Questions you just can't answer
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard when he lives in the jungle without a razor?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

What is the speed of darkness?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Very funny Ed. Keep sending them in.

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SHORT MOMENTS
Heartwarming Stories

 

Sunday, 27 November 2011

Heaven

Bedlam - Humour

Here's another joke from Ed Goldstraw:

Tony and Yvonne were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because Tony watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to Yvonne's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on yet another holiday and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'

Tony asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, ‘remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'

Tony looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..

'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled Tony..
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to Tony. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'

Tony looked around and glanced nervously at Yvonne.

'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.

That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'
'No gym to work out at?' said Tony
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'

Tony glared at Yvonne and said, 'You and your f***ing Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'

Way to go, Ed. Lol...

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The best Hospital Sign........ever

Bedlam

Ed Goldstraw sent this - I love it:

The best Hospital Sign........ever ?

Well Done, Northampton !!!



Where else but the National Health in the UK?


 Thanks Ed - very funny



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Next post - Bedlam Humour: The nun and the pencil

Thursday, 10 November 2011

The Nun and the Pencil

Bedlam - Humour

Ed Goldstraw has sent this joke

The pencil...

Little Margaret Mary was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. 'Tell me Margaret Mary, who created the universe?'

Margaret Mary didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

'God Almighty!' shouted Margaret Mary.

The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Margaret Mary, 'Who is our Lord and Saviour?'

But Margaret Mary didn't stir from her slumber Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Margaret Mary in the butt with the pencil.

'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Margaret Mary and the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'

Again, Johnny came to the rescue.

This time Margaret Mary jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that f***#@^ thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

The nun fainted

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Next post - Bedlam Humour: Pilgrimage 

Tuesday, 8 November 2011

The Scottish Cow

Bedlam Humour

Elsie Smith has sent another joke:

The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk.

The town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply. They brought the cow from Scotland. It was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed.


The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland ?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland. 

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Scotland?

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Scotland "

Lol - thanks Elsie.

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Next post - Bedlam Humour: Annual pilgrimage

Sunday, 6 November 2011

The annual pilgrimage

Bedlam Humour

Elsie Smith from Leek in Staffordshire has sent this joke:
There was excitement in the nunnery. Mother Superior called for silence in the refectory and announced that the twelve sisters had arrived back safely from their annual pilgrimage to Lourdes. ''However I have to inform you that sister Clementine has come back with chlamydia.'' she said.

There was an uneasy silence in the room, then sister Mary, the oldest sister in the order spoke up and said '' Well I hope it's better than that bloody chardonnay she brought back last year!''

Whoops! Love it Elsie - thanks


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Next post - Bedlam Humour: When banks rob people

Wednesday, 2 November 2011