Saturday, 31 December 2011

Paddy's Christmas

Bedlam Humour

Ed Goldstraw sent this joke:
Paddy says to Mick,  "Christmas is on a Friday this year."

Mick says, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
For your next Kindle book why not try a short story collection



Thursday, 22 December 2011

In The Spirit Of Christmas - 21st Century

Bedlam
Ed Goldstraw has sent this joke:

In The Spirit Of Christmas - 21st Century
WHILE SHEPHERDS WATCHED
While shepherds watched their flocks by night
All seated on the ground,
The Angel of the Lord came down,
And Glory shone around.

The Union of Shepherds has complained that it breaches Health & Safety Regulations to insist the Shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided.
Therefore, benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs must be available at all times.
Shepherds have also requested that, due to inclement weather they should watch their flocks via CCTV cameras inside centrally-heated sheep observation huts.
And the Angel of the Lord is reminded that before shining his / her Glory all around, the Shepherds must be issued with glasses capable of filtering out any harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory lighting.

LITTLE DONKEY
Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road,
Got to keep on plodding onwards,
with your precious load.

The RSPCA has issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry. In the guidelines are stated permitted feeding breaks, and at least one rest break must be taken in every two-hour plodding period.

Due to the risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear facemasks. Not to transgress street cleanliness bye-laws in Bethlehem Joseph is also required to clean up after the donkey.

The ‘Little Donkey’ has expressed his objection to being labelled ‘Little’ and would prefer to being referred to as ‘Mr Donkey’. Comments upon his height such as ‘Short Ass’ or otherwise, are considered to be a breach of his equine equality rights.

Lol, too damn true, Ed. Thanks for sending. 
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For your next Kindle book, why not try a short story collection 




Next post - Bedlam Humour: The Old Couple

Friday, 16 December 2011

Bedlam Humour - The Old Couple and the Sex Therapist

Bedlam - Humour


Jack Chambers has sent another joke.
An Arizona couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'

The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse..'

He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye. The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'

The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything. She's married; so we can't go to her house. I'm married; and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost just $7.


Lol, very funny, Jack. Must keep this in mind...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE TASTE OF LONELINESS
Short Stories

SHORT MOMENTS
Heartwarming Stories

Monday, 12 December 2011

Dear Mum...

Bedlam - Humour



Gina and Malcolm Shenton have sent this joke.
A mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Mum'

With the worst premonition; she opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

'Dear, Mum.
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing to you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older
than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Mum. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS,so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Mum, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. 
Some day, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren..

Love, your son, Nicholas.



"P.S. Mum, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on my desk"

I love it, Gina and Malcolm - very funny.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
For you next Kindle book, why not try Heartwarming Stories




Next post - Bedlam Humour: Sex and Batteries

Sunday, 11 December 2011

Sex and Batteries

Bedlam - Humour


Jack Chambers has sent another joke
The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did... she's 21 and her name is Lucy.
Thanks Jack, I bet she doesn't know you've sent these in... Lol....

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
For your next Kindle book, why not try a millionaire romance



Next post - Bedlam Humour: The Elderly Couple

Saturday, 10 December 2011

The Elderly Couple and 24 inches

Bedlam Humour
Ed Goldstraw has sent yet another joke.
An elderly couple were watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?"

The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"

"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.

"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"

"No, it's turned black."

Lol, love it, Ed. Very funny.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
For your next Kindle book, why not try a millionaire romance





Next post - Bedlam Humour: Junk Mail

Wednesday, 7 December 2011

Did you ever stop and wonder

Bedlam - humor


Ed Goldstraw has sent another series of funnys:


Did you ever stop and wonder.......

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum.'

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs !

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Stop singing and read on......

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Thanks Ed - is there no end to your store of humour? Love 'em...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

PAST SINS
Contemporary romance

SHORT MOMENTS
Heartwarming Stories

Tuesday, 29 November 2011

Dealing with Junk Mail and Telemarketer

Bedlam View

Tips for Handling Telemarketers

Three Little Words That Work!!
  • The three little words are: 'Hold On, Please...'  Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off (instead of hanging-up immediately) would make each telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt.
  • Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end?  This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and records the time of day when a person answers the phone.  This technique is used to determine the best time of day for a 'real' sales person to call back and get someone at home.
  • What you can do after answering, if you notice there is no one there, is to immediately start hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7 times as quickly as possible. This confuses the machine that dialled the call, and it kicks your number out of their system. Gosh, what a shame not to have your name in their system any longer!!!

Tips for Dealing With Junk Mail:

When you get ads enclosed with your phone or utility bill, return these ads with your payment. Let the sending companies throw their own junk mail away.

  • When you get those 'pre-approved' letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw away the return envelope.
  • Most of these come with postage-paid return envelopes, right? It costs them more than the regular postage, 'IF' and when they receive them back.
  • It costs them nothing if you throw them away! The postage was around 40 pence before the last increase and it is according to the weight. In that case, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little, postage-paid return envelopes.

One of Andy Rooney 's (60 minutes) ideas.
  • Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express in their pre-paid envelope. Send a pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them their blank application back!
  • If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on anything you send them.
  • You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just to keep them guessing! It still costs them 60 cents.

Banks and credit card companies are currently getting a lot of their own junk back in the mail, but folks, we need to OVERWHELM them. Let's let them know what it's like to get lots of junk mail, and best of all they're paying for it...Twice!

Let's help keep our postal service busy since they are saying that e-mail is cutting into their business profits, and that's why they need to increase postage costs again. You get the idea!

Monday, 28 November 2011

Questions you just can't answer

Bedlam Humor

Ed Goldstraw has sent another email:

Questions you just can't answer
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard when he lives in the jungle without a razor?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

What is the speed of darkness?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Very funny Ed. Keep sending them in.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

PAST SINS
Contemporary romance

SHORT MOMENTS
Heartwarming Stories

 

Sunday, 27 November 2011

Heaven

Bedlam - Humour

Here's another joke from Ed Goldstraw:

Tony and Yvonne were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because Tony watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to Yvonne's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on yet another holiday and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'

Tony asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, ‘remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'

Tony looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..

'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled Tony..
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to Tony. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'

Tony looked around and glanced nervously at Yvonne.

'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.

That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'
'No gym to work out at?' said Tony
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'

Tony glared at Yvonne and said, 'You and your f***ing Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'

Way to go, Ed. Lol...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

For your next Kindle book, why not try Heartwarming Stories

The best Hospital Sign........ever

Bedlam

Ed Goldstraw sent this - I love it:

The best Hospital Sign........ever ?

Well Done, Northampton !!!



Where else but the National Health in the UK?


 Thanks Ed - very funny



-------------------------------------------------------------------------

 For your next Kindle book, why not try a collection of short stories


Next post - Bedlam Humour: The nun and the pencil

Thursday, 10 November 2011

The Nun and the Pencil

Bedlam - Humour

Ed Goldstraw has sent this joke

The pencil...

Little Margaret Mary was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. 'Tell me Margaret Mary, who created the universe?'

Margaret Mary didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

'God Almighty!' shouted Margaret Mary.

The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Margaret Mary, 'Who is our Lord and Saviour?'

But Margaret Mary didn't stir from her slumber Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Margaret Mary in the butt with the pencil.

'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Margaret Mary and the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'

Again, Johnny came to the rescue.

This time Margaret Mary jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that f***#@^ thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

The nun fainted

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
For your next Kindle book, why not try:  Heartwarming Stories



Next post - Bedlam Humour: Pilgrimage 

Tuesday, 8 November 2011

The Scottish Cow

Bedlam Humour

Elsie Smith has sent another joke:

The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk.

The town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply. They brought the cow from Scotland. It was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed.


The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland ?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland. 

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Scotland?

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Scotland "

Lol - thanks Elsie.

For your next Kindle book, why not try a short story collection 




Next post - Bedlam Humour: Annual pilgrimage

Sunday, 6 November 2011

The annual pilgrimage

Bedlam Humour

Elsie Smith from Leek in Staffordshire has sent this joke:
There was excitement in the nunnery. Mother Superior called for silence in the refectory and announced that the twelve sisters had arrived back safely from their annual pilgrimage to Lourdes. ''However I have to inform you that sister Clementine has come back with chlamydia.'' she said.

There was an uneasy silence in the room, then sister Mary, the oldest sister in the order spoke up and said '' Well I hope it's better than that bloody chardonnay she brought back last year!''

Whoops! Love it Elsie - thanks


------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For your next Kindle book, why not try a short story collection




Next post - Bedlam Humour: When banks rob people

Wednesday, 2 November 2011