Wednesday, 29 December 2010

The Husband Store

Bedlam Humour

Ed Goldstraw has sent me another joke... and I love it...

The Husband Store

A store that sells new Husbands has opened in Sydney, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!
  1. There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
  2. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. 'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going...

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak...

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor... There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wife Store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex... The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer. The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Lol, Ed. What we've all suspected but never put into words......



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Looking for

    Thursday, 9 December 2010

    The Snowman

    Bedlam Humour


    Ed Goldstraw sent in this email and photo

    Love it, Ed. Suprised you didn't think of it years ago......


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      Next post

      Wednesday, 8 December 2010

      Catholic Horses

      Bedlam Humour
      Ed Goldstraw has sent this joke.

      One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

      Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.

      Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track.. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

      Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.


      Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse.

      Mitch bet big on it, and it won.

      Mitch was elated. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.

      By and by, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.


      True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.

      Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag. He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.

      Confronting the old priest he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings - all of it!'

      The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. 'Son,' he said, 'That's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.'
      Up to your usual standard, Ed. Thanks....


      Saturday, 4 December 2010

      Drink Driving

      Bedlam Humour
      Ed Goldstraw has sent another joke.
      Please, take care of yourself. A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related.

      This means that the remaining 77% are caused by assholes who drink bottled water, starbucks, soda, juice, energy drinks, and shit like that.

      Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause three times as many accidents.


      Lol. Thanks Ed. Just what we need before Christmas....

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      Next post - Bedlam Humour: Wife from Hell

      Thursday, 2 December 2010

      The Wife From Hell - joke

      Bedlam Humour

      Elsie Smith has sent another joke by email

      A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, 'I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

      The driver says, 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. '

      Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

      As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,
      'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?'

      The wife smiles demurely and says, 'Well dear you should be thankful your radar-detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.'

      As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,
      'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

      The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'

      The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

      The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

      And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?'

      The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

      'Only when he's been drinking!!'
      Love it, Elsie. Thanks.


      Next post - Bedlam Humour: Shipwrecked Welshman

      Wednesday, 1 December 2010

      The Shipwrecked Welshman - joke

      Bedlam Humour

      Edgar Goldstraw has emailed this joke -

      A Welshman was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.

      Looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.

      One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

      As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Welshman, soon he leaned over to the sheep and ..... put his arm around it.

      But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep..

      After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling.

      A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was an other shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.

      When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual, it was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

      Pretty soon, the Welshman started to get 'those feelings' again, he fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and realising he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman cautiously and whispered in her ear, 'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'

      Loads of laughs. Thanks Ed.


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      Next post

      Paddy Died - joke

      Bedlam Humour

      Jack Chambers has been active again. He sent me this joke.

      Paddy Died. His will provided £40,000 for an elaborate funeral.

      As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Colleen turned to her oldest and dearest friend.
      "Ah well, to be sure Paddy would be pleased," she said.

      "To be sure you're right," replied Mary, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.

      "So go on, how much did this really cost?"

      "All of it,"
      said Colleen. "Forty thousand."

      "Aw No!" Mary exclaimed. "I mean, it was very grand, but £40,000?!!!"

      Colleen answered, "The funeral was £6,500. I donated £500 to church. The whiskey, wine and snacks were another £500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone."

      Mary computed quickly. "For the love of God Colleen, £32,500 for a Memorial Stone? How big is it?"
      -
      -
      -


      Love it, Jack....


      -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
      The Book Doctor - Edit And Revise Your Own Book
      Men After Divorce - Men Are Fragile Too
      Benefits of Eating Garlic

      Monday, 29 November 2010

      Mr. Cadbury -

      Bedlam Humour

      They say that great mind's think alike. Well Elsie Smith and Ed Goldstraw have both sent the same joke by email, so I guess they must have great minds.... My American friends might not appreciate this much, it's a typical British play on words using the names of UK chocolate bars and candy.
      Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker. It was just After Eight. They got off at Quality Street. He asked her name. I’m Polo, the one with the hole' she said with a Wispa.

      'I'm Marathon, the one with the nuts' he replied.

      He touched her Cream Eggs then slipped his hand in her Snickers. He fondled her Flapjacks and she rubbed his Tictacs. It was a fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight..

      But 3 days later his Sherbert Dip Dab started 2 itch, turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he had Allsorts.


      Thanks to you both, Great stuff....


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      Next post

      Sunday, 28 November 2010

      The Member Of Parliament

      Bedlam Humour

      Elsie Smith has emailed another joke

      A farmer named Bill was overseeing his herd in a remote, mountainous pasture in Scotland when suddenly a brand new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

      The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

      Bill looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

      The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone and surfs to a NASA page, on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

      The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

      Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and after a few minutes receives a response.

      Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

      "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bill.

      He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the boot of his car.

      Then Bill says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

      The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

      "You're a Member of Parliament for the British Government", says Bill.

      "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie "but how did you guess that?"

      "No guessing required" answered the farmer. "You showed up here even though nobody called you, you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living, or about cows, for that matter. This is a flock of sheep...Now give me back my dog".

      Great laugh, Elsie - and too true. Thanks for sending it.




      Friday, 26 November 2010

      That Last Olive -

      Bedlam Chat

      Had a few friends around last night for a meal - a great night - lasted until almost 4am.

      There's nothing better than good friends, food and a wee dram or two - absolute heaven. Not feeling so bright now, though. It must have been that last olive....



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      Publishing a Novel - Use Your Author Appeal
      Men After Divorce - Men Are Fragile Too
      Ending A Story - Climax And Endings In Creative Writing

      Thursday, 25 November 2010

      Calories

      Bedlam Humour

      Ed Goldstraw has sent me a wonderful piece of humour that I thought you might like to share.

      What is a calorie?
      Calories are the little bastards that get into your wardrobe at night and sew your clothes tighter.
      MY CLOSET IS INFESTED WITH THE LITTLE SHITS!!!
      The truest thing you said, Ed. Thanks..... Very funny.




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      Publishing a Novel - Use Your Author Appeal
      Men After Divorce - Men Are Fragile Too
      Ending A Story - Climax And Endings In Creative Writing


      Next post

      Monday, 22 November 2010

      The price of a hotel room - joke

      Bedlam - Humour


      Ed Goldstraw has emailed another joke, so it's a good start.

      My wife and I were travelling by car from Liverpool to Shetland. Being Seniors, after almost seven hours on the road, we were too tired to continue, and decided to take an hotel room in Dundee . But, we only planned to sleep overnight and then get back on the road. When we checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed us a bill for £250.00.

      I explode and demanded to know why the charge was so high. I told the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth £250.00 for just an overnight stop without even breakfast. The clerk told me that £250.00 is the 'standard rate' so I insisted on speaking to the Manager.

      The Manager appeared, listened to me, and then explained that the hotel had an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that they were available for us to use. 'But we didn't use them," I said. ''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

      He went on to explain that we could also have taken in one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from Edinburgh , Glasgow , and Aberdeen performing here," the Manager said.

      "But we didn't go to any of those shows," I said.

      "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

      No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, I replied, "But we didn't use it!"

      The Manager was unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay.

      I wrote a cheque and gave it to the Manager.

      The Manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque. "But sir, this cheque is only made out for £50.00."

      ''That's correct. I charged you £200.00 for sleeping with my wife," I replied.


      "But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

      I said, "Well, too bad, she was here, and you could have."
      Love it, Ed. Keep 'em coming.


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      Monday, 15 November 2010

      Two ladies in Lax

      Bedlam - Humour

      Elsie Smith from Leek in Staffordshire has emailed another joke.

      Two informally dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport. The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South.

      When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."

      The lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

      The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz."

      Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

      The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."

      Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

      The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"

      "My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady.

      "Charm school?" the first woman cried, "Oh, my God! What on earth for?"

      The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying "Who gives a shit?" I learned to say, "Well, isn't that precious"....



      Brilliant, Elsie. Many thanks

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      Saturday, 13 November 2010

      The Old Man And The Confessional

      Bedlam Humour

      Ed Goldstraw from Leek has emailed another joke.

      An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
      Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
      Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
      Man: 'What sins?'
      Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
      Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
      Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
      Man: 'I'm 92 years old; I'm telling everybody!'


      Thanks Ed. Great joke - loved it. I think I'd be bragging as well if I were in his place.


      -----------------------------------------------------------------------------
      Free articles from ajbarnett

      The Book Doctor - Edit And Revise Your Own Book
      Men After Divorce - Men Are Fragile Too
      Water Recycled - Your Must-Know Guide To Water Efficiency

      Wednesday, 10 November 2010

      Walking The Dog

      Bedlam - Humour

      Ed Goldstraw has sent me yet another joke. The man is a mine of humour....

      A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"

      Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."

      "What's that mean?" asked the child.

      "Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

      The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."

      Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."

      The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

      The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."
      Thanks Ed. Very funny. Keep on sending them.

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      Next post

      Sunday, 7 November 2010

      THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH

      Bedlam Humour

      Ed Goldstraw has been at it again - another email joke.

      A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'

      The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'

      The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job. His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many customers did you make today?'

      The Aussie said 'One!'

      The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?'

      '£124,237.64p.'

      The manager choked and exclaimed '£124,237.64!! What the hell did you sell him?'

      'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.' 'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.'

      'Wow!'

      'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him a 4 x4.'

      The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'

      'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said... ' Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing.'

      Brilliant, Ed. Very funny.

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      next post

      Saturday, 6 November 2010

      Divorce and Men

      Bedlam - Advice

      The interval just after a divorce can be bewildering for a man. I know from personal experience. I’ve been there, done that, got the ‘T’ shirt and come out the other side. I was lucky enough to find the right woman in the right place at the right time... But it wasn't by accident.

      Peer pressure can be a terrible thing for men after a divorce - you are susceptible. Don’t fall for it. Don’t listen to bar-room talk and barrack-room lawyers when you have a glass of beer in your hand. Most of your peers will have no experience of what they are talking about and have no empathy with your situation.

      For more, read: Men After Divorce - Men Are Fragile Too

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      Tuesday, 2 November 2010

      Senior Citizens

      Bedlam Humour

      Ed Goldstraw has sent another funny quip.
      Senior citizens are constantly being criticised for every conceivable deficiency of the modern world, real or imaginary. We know we take responsibility for all we have done and do not blame others.

      HOWEVER, upon reflection, we would like to point out that it was NOT the senior citizens who took:
      The melody out of music,
      The pride out of appearance,
      The courtesy out of driving,
      The romance out of love,
      The commitment out of marriage,
      The responsibility out of parenthood,
      The togetherness out of the family,
      The learning out of education,
      The service out of patriotism,
      The Golden Rule from rulers,
      The nativity scene out of cities,
      The civility out of behaviour,
      The refinement out of language,
      The dedication out of employment,
      The prudence out of spending,
      The ambition out of achievement, or,
      God out of government and school.

      And we certainly are NOT the ones who eliminated patience and tolerance from personal relationships and interactions with others!!


      And, we do understand the meaning of patriotism, and remember those who have fought and died for our country.

      Just look at the Seniors with tears in their eyes and pride in their hearts as they stand at attention with their hand over their hearts!



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      Next post - Bedlam Humour: Sara Pipalini

      Sunday, 31 October 2010

      Sara Pipalini

      Bedlam Humour

      Thanks to Ed Goldstraw for emailing this joke.

      Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.

      At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be..."

      The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren," and *poof* she's gone.

      The second says, "I want to be Madonna" and *poof* she's gone.

      The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."

      St Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asks.

      "Sara Pipalini," replies the nun.

      St Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

      The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St Peter. St Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says, "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."
      Thanks Ed. Very funny......


      For your next Kindle read, why not try a short story collection



      Next post - Bedlam Humour: The Surrogate Father

      Friday, 29 October 2010

      Anxiety

      Bedlam Advice

      Dealing With Anxiety

      There are a lot of half-truths floating around about how to deal with anxiety. Although the term is easily understood, people frequently get the wrong idea of what it is. A lot of people think it’s something to do with ‘nerves when in fact it’s a psychological condition.

      Most people experience a sensation of anxiety sometime during their life. They might feel concerned and anxious about an exam, or medical test, or perhaps a job interview. Feeling occasionally anxious is normal. However, if the feeling of anxiety is constant and affects your day-to-day life, then you have a problem.

      All Ages

      Anxiety can impinge on all ages, no matter the sex, religion or social standing. It can be about anything or anyone. Anxiety is a widespread psychological condition, yet unfortunately doctors seem to have a little hole in their collection of cures for it.

      For more, read -
      People With Anxiety - How to Deal With Feelings - Questions You Must Ask About Anxiety

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      The Surrogate Father

      Bedlam Humour

      Elsie Smith of Leek in Staffordshire has sent another joke - it's hilarious.


      The Browns were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Brown kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

      Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

      'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Brown cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

      'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

      'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat! After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

      'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

      'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

      'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

      'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Brown...

      'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

      'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Brown quietly.

      The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

      'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Brown exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

      'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

      'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Brown.

      'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

      'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Brown, her eyes wide with amazement..

      'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

      Mrs. Brown leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

      'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

      'Tripod?'

      'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

      Mrs. Brown fainted...


      Brilliant, Elsie. I love it....


      next post

      Wednesday, 27 October 2010

      Red Indian Love

      Bedlam Humour

      Ed Goldstraw has sent in another joke
      Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.
      All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo! He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

      The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about,.. 'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'

      The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us...'

      Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Immediately, there was the answer. 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside. He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

      The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, 'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine, sexy women in this cave!'

      He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!' With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.

      The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read............... NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!

      Thanks for emailing me the joke, Ed. - Good 'un.



      For your next Kindle book, why not try a short story collection


      Next post - Bedlam Humour: Coincidence

      Monday, 25 October 2010

      Your Must-Know Guide To Water Efficiency

      Belam Sense

      We should all practice water efficiency. The problem, is places like the UK have traditionally had water to spare, but to waste water is environmentally damaging. Why not try to save the precious resource.

      Water Recycled - Your Must-Know Guide To Water Efficiency

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      Saturday, 23 October 2010

      What A Coincidence!

      Bedlam Humour

      Here's another laugh from Ed Goldstraw of Leek...
      A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne... The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

      'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... I am celebrating'

      'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.

      'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked 'What are you celebrating?'

      'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

      'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs..'

      'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

      'I used a different cock,' he replied.

      The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'

      Love it... Thanks Ed.


      -----------------------------------------------------------

      For your next Kindle book, why not try Short Moments

      Tuesday, 19 October 2010

      Little Fire-fighter

      Bedlam Humour

      Thanks to Ed Goldstraw for emailing this joke.

      A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

      The girl was wearing a firefighter’s helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.

      'Thanks,' the girl replied.

      The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

      'Little partner,' the firefighter said with tact, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. '

      The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'


      Thanks Ed. Brilliant. Up to your usual standard I see.


      -------------------------------------------------------

      Thursday, 14 October 2010

      A Cardiologist's Funeral

      Bedlam Humour

      Elsie Smith has sent in yet another joke that I'd like to share.
      An Acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral...

      A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life...

      A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe.. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever..

      At that point, one of the mourners just -burst- into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral...'

      The priest said none too kindly, 'And what's so funny about that?'

      'I'm a gynecologist.'

      The priest fainted


      Lol. Thanks Elsie. You're a star.

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      Articles by ajbarnett

      next post

      Wednesday, 13 October 2010

      Never Lose Your Grandson!

      Bedlam Humour

      Here's a joke sent by Elsie Smith from Leek in Staffordshire.
      My small grandson got lost at the shopping mall.......... He approached a uniformed security guard and said,"I've lost my grandpa!"
      The guard asked, "What's his name?"
      "Grandpa"

      The guard smiled, then asked, "What's he like?"
      The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Crown Royal whiskey, and women with big tits."
      I love it, Elsie. Very funny. Thanks for sending it in.

      ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
      Articles by ajbarnett

      next post

      Monday, 11 October 2010

      DAMN FINE EXPLANATION

      Bedlam Humour

      Here's a joke sent in by the infamous Ed Goldstraw from Leek in Staffordshire.
      The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

      She was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

      The husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.'

      'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed, 'But they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

      The husband began, 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me she hadn't eaten for three days.'

      'So what has that got to do with anything?'

      'Well, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.'

      'So?'


      'Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you've had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they're too tight.'

      The wife pulled a face. 'Cheeky beggar.'

      'I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste. - and I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

      'You're stalling.'

      The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, "Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"


      Love it, Ed. Thanks.

      ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
      The Herb Parsley & Parsley Sauce Recipe
      The Herb Tarragon - All You Need To Know About Tarragon
      Ending A Story - Climax And Endings In Creative Writing



      next post

      Sunday, 10 October 2010

      Well Hellooo!

      Bedlam Humour

      Here's new joke from Jack Chambers.

      Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

      The blondes all nodded.

      The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth."

      So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "Did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

      The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

      The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

      The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office. The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or Outstanding about this man?"

      "Yes! He only has one ear!"

      The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused too!"

      The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

      The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but...."

      He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

      The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."

      The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

      The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Hellooooooooooooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."

      Love it, Jack. Many thanks.

      Next post

      Sunday, 26 September 2010

      Restaurant Paraiso - Parcent

      Bedlam - Comment

      What a great night we had at Restaurant Paraiso last night.


      It was our wedding anniversary a few days ago and we decided to finish the week off at one of our favourite eating houses, on the outskirts of the village of Parcent, on the Costa Blanca.

      We weren’t disappointed. The welcome from Victoria and her staff at Restaurant Paraiso was as warm as ever, it made us feel special - but there again, they make everyone feel special - something that makes you want to go back. The weather was kind, the food absolutely delicious, the entertainment, provided by ‘John The Fiddler’, nothing short of terrific - a perfect evening all round.

      Congratulations, Victoria and David, for providing us with such a great venue - long may your food shower down on us.

      The views from Restaurant Paraiso are magnificent; and when we arrive, we can’t help but stand and gaze at the spectacle. You can see for miles, right across the Jalon Valley. The interior d├ęcor has some great quirks that I love, like the ancient olive press by the bar that looks as if it was part of the original building - it‘s massive - and the old, agricultural, flour-measuring device by the entrance.


      All in all, what with the food and entertainment and the welcome we had, it was a successful night. It was a shame that I couldn’t stay the whole evening, but I hurt my back a couple of days ago shifting a statue from my terrace, and I began to be uncomfortable, so we had to leave early - but I loved it all the same.


      ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
      Articles by ajbarnett





      Next post

      Thursday, 26 August 2010

      BAD NEIGHBOURS AND COUNCIL TAX

      ------------------------------------------------------------

      Bedlam - Humour

      Jack Chambers has sent another joke -

      A proposed council tax-evaluation policy will mean reassessment of current house values which will mean they will charge us more if we live in a nice area.

      That ought to mean discounts for those of us who live in rough areas.

      There is a huge house in our street. The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of irritable dogs allowed to run without leads. Her car isn't taxed or insured and doesn't even have a number plate, but the police still do nothing. To the best of my knowledge, she has never worked.

      Her bad-tempered old man is notorious for racist comments. A shopkeeper blamed him for arranging the murder of his son and his son's girl-friend, but nothing has been proved.

      All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone thought was gay.

      Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always out partying in nightclubs. It is not known if they have the same father. They are out of control.

      I hate living near Windsor Castle.


      Thanks Jack. Love it....

      Next post

      Thursday, 19 August 2010

      A little bird flying south

      Bedlam - Opinion
      Good old Ed Goldstraw from Leek, in Staffordshire, has sent me another joke.

      A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

      As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

      Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

      Moral of the story:

      (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

      (2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

      (3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

      Brilliant, Ed. Thanks for that. Keep 'em rolling.

      Next post

      Saturday, 7 August 2010

      Bedlam Humour: The old couple want to get married

      Bedlam humour
      Ed Goldstraw from Leek, in Staffordshire, has sent me another joke.

      An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

      Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

      Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively.

      "I would like it infrequently," she replied.

      The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered, "Is that one word or two?"


      Thanks Ed. Good one....


      Next post

      Monday, 2 August 2010

      The Irish confessional

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      Bedlam - Opinion

      Ed Goldstraw has contributed another laugh line. See if you like it....
      A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

      The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

      The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either.'

      I love it, Ed. Thanks.

      Next post

      Saturday, 31 July 2010

      Ian Huntley sues for £100,000

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      Short Moments: Heartwarming Short Stories
      Writing Dialogue In A Story - 12 Cool Secrets
      Cool Secrets For Cement Render And Block Walls
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      Bedlam - Opinion

      The vile Soham killer, Ian Huntley, is trying to claim compensation for being attacked in prison... and the final bill to taxpayer could be £1m.

      What a load of b*llox.

      Soham killer, Ian Huntley, is demanding almost £100,000 in damages after he had his throat slashed by another inmate.

      So what!

      As far as I can see, it's just a shame the attack wasn't successful. It would have saved a load of money keeping him fed and clothed ....

      What about Huntley's victims?

      ... And talking about compensation, why don't the courts sue Huntley for £10,000,000 for their deaths? Keep him in jail until he can pay up - make him do manual work to earn money for the compensation ..... The bastard....

      In fact why don't courts make ALL criminals pay compensation to their victims and keep them locked up until they can...


      Next post

      Friday, 30 July 2010

      Dinner In A Fine Restaurant: - Joke

      Bedlam - Humour

      Ed Goldstraw has sent in another joke

      A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking an order at another table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned as if she hadn't even noticed.

      The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware her dining companion had disappeared.

      The waitress went over to the table and whispered to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

      The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. My husband just walked in the door."

      Great stuff Ed. Love it.....

      Next post

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      Ellie Jones - writer of Mummy Porn 

      Saturday, 24 July 2010

      Pack your stuff

      -----------------------------------------------------------
      Short Moments: Heartwarming Short Stories
      Writing Dialogue In A Story - 12 Cool Secrets
      Cool Secrets For Cement Render And Block Walls
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      Bedlam - Comment

      Elsie Smith from Leek, has sent in more jokes:-
      One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'
      So he tied her up and went golfing.

      ***

      A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs,
      'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
      The husband said,
      'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'
      'Whatever you feel like. It doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

      ***

      Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

      Great, Elsie. Keep 'em rolling

      Next post

      How to make compost

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      Short Moments: Heartwarming Short Stories
      Writing Dialogue In A Story - 12 Cool Secrets
      Cool Secrets For Cement Render And Block Walls
      ------------------------------------------------------------


      Bedlam - Comment

      How to make compost - The big green compost machine

      One of the simplest ways to begin your ‘green’ adventure is to recycle your kitchen waste, and it doesn’t cost a fortune to start. It saves shoving your kitchen waste into the bin – which saves time, effort, and money on the part of the recycling bins collection service – but best of all, enriches your garden with natural goodness. So start composting.

      Friday, 23 July 2010

      Women and sweet tea

      Bedlam - Humour
      Jack Chambers has sent another joke.

      A woman goes to the doctor, beaten Black and Blue.

      Doctor: "What happened?"

      Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

      Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed and is asleep."

      Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

      Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"

      Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"


      Love it, Jack. Ladies will probably hate it.

      Next post

      Friday, 16 July 2010

      Oxo Cube supporting England

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      Short Moments: Heartwarming Short Stories
      Writing Dialogue In A Story - 12 Cool Secrets
      Cool Secrets For Cement Render And Block Walls
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      Bedlam - Humour

      Here's another contribution from Ed Goldstraw of Leek, Staffs.
      Oxo are introducing a new white Oxo Cube with a red cross on it in support of the England team.

      ....It’s called the laughing stock

      Good one Ed.... Thanks

      next post