Saturday, 11 March 2017

The Club Member...

Bedlam Humour

Joyce and Roy Critchlow have sent in this joke

Three ladies are playing the fourth hole at a very private golf club when a naked man wearing a paper bag over his head jumps from the trees and runs across the green.
The three ladies stand in awe at the size of his manhood. 
The first lady says, 'He is definitely not my husband.'  
The second lady gazes at his manhood and says, 'He's not my husband either!' 
After a very considered inspection, the third lady finally says, ' He's not even a member of this club'

Monday, 19 December 2016

Legal but not Logical, Logical but not Legal

Bedlam Humour

A young law student, having failed his law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.
Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"
Professor: "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"
Student: "OK. So I’d like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as it is. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A".
Professor: "Hmmmm, alright. So what’s the question?"
Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?”
The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.
The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can’t get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?”
To the professor's surprise and embarrassment, several students raise their hands.
"All right" says the professor and asks his favourite student to answer
"It's quite easy, sir" says the student "You see, you are 75 years old and married to a beautiful 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover who wants to marry her, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his exam, but you've just given him an "A", which is neither legal, nor logical."

Sunday, 18 December 2016

The Monkey that Ate Everything

Bedlam Humour

Jack Chambers sent this joke

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey. 
The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them. Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them. He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls. To everyone's amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole.
The bartender looked at the guy and said, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
He just ate the cue ball off my pool table...whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball."
The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the monkey ate and left.
Two weeks later the guy came back, and had his monkey with him.
He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar. The monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabbed it, stuck it up his arse, pulled it out, and then ate it. Then the monkey found a peanut, and again stuck it up his arse, pulled it out, and ate it. 
The bartender asked, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his arse, pulled them out, and ate them!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He will eat anything, but ever since he had to shit out that cue ball, he measures everything first."